John Wick is the greatest character in cinematic history. There I said it.
My apologies to Indiana Jones, James Bond and Han Solo, but it’s true. It took just two films (and approximately 1,389 deaths*) in this monumental franchise for me to realize that Keanu Reeves, who plays the titular character, delivers his finest work when he just has to shoot a buncha dudes in the face while speaking in a low, gritty voice.
That being said, I’m worried.
Hollywood ruins some of the finest franchises with terrible sequels. The corpses of Reeves’ past great sagas--The Matrix and Speed--are here to prove it. But I refuse to let this tour de force of balletic, yet gratuitous violence go to waste.
I’ve decided to take over as the producer to protect the legacy of the John Wick franchise. And I’ve already planned out the next decade of sequels. You’re welcome, Earth.
*But first a quick tangent. We all love John Wick for its beautifully choreographed action scenes where, once again, dudes get shot IN THE FACE over and over. What really surprised me about Chapter 2 was the magnificent hair. It was so incredible that I would’ve googled “Ruby Rose hair transplant” once I exited the theater if I wasn’t ready to run through a fuckin’ wall. But I digress…
John Wick Hair Rankings:
1) Ruby Rose - I have no shame to say that Rose has some top-notch hair. She went with a low-key side part, but it was incredible. No wonder John Wick wanted to kill her.
2) Keanu Reeves - What can I say? My man’s still got it. Sure, his acting has improved with age, but so has his hair. He really shouldn’t be the Benjamin Button of hair. I’m excited to see what he has in store for Chapter 3.
3) Ian McShane - It’s really unfair to have a dope accent and really cool salt-and-pepper hair.
4) Laurence Fishburne - What? Someone had to be last.
Back to the sequels…
As the Hollywood executive in charge of the next decade of the John Wick franchise, I’ll make sure we have an aggressive shooting schedule of one film per year. If Star Wars can do it, so can we. And speaking of Star Wars…
John Wick: The Last Wick - Now there’s nothing to prove that there aren’t a plethora of little Wicks running around, but it’s safe to assume he’s the last of his name. And if you thought Star Wars: The Last Jedi sounded dark and ominous, you have another thing coming with The Last Wick.
Wicklash - John Wick is an asshole music teacher, but instead of throwing a cymbal at your head, he’ll just shoot it instead.
Good Wick Hunting - After solving an incredibly hard math problem on a whiteboard, John Wick hunts down the professors who try to find him.
Stranger than Wicktion - This time, he’s narrating your death.
Pulp Wicktion - Does John Wick look like a bitch?
The Big Wickowski - “I’m the Wick, so that’s what you call me. That or, uh, His Wickness, or, uh, the Wicker, or El Wickerino, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.”
Lego John Wick - It might be a little dark, but we’re finally getting a hard R-rated kid's film.
Forrest Wick - We experience some of life’s craziest events (the Trump presidency?!) through the eyes of John Wick. It would be the highlight of my life if Keanu Reeves, in a Forrest Gump accent, said “That’s my gun.”
The Wickinator - Wick plays a killing machine who literally has no weaknesses. Wait a second, isn’t that just the plot of John Wick?
The John Wick-er Man - Admittedly, a weird choice for a John Wick film. We really should’ve done John Wick: Face/Off where he switches faces with Nicolas Cage AND John Travolta. Now that’d be something.
Next up? I’ll save the Paul Blart franchise!